Stuck in a Depressive Episode

At the minute, I’m not feeling great. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been descending into a depressive episode, and I’m struggling to keep my head above water so that I can get out of it. This isn’t to say that I’m not happy in my life. I’ve got an amazing partner who does everything she can to make me happy, we’ve just moved to a beautiful house that we’re still in the process of making our own, and I have a lot of things going for me. But I can’t seem to bring myself out of the funk that my brain is putting me in for whatever reason.

I feel like I can’t do anything and that I’m just no good for anyone or anything. I’m not as bad as I have been in the past, and as much as I don’t see any point in me being around right now, I’m not feeling suicidal or anything, but unfortunately, I feel like it probably wouldn’t take a lot to make me feel that way.

I’m struggling daily just to get through and generally feel like I just want to spend my days in bed doing very little. But, I’m not doing. I’m getting up every day and doing whatever I can, no matter how little that is.

To help me through this time, Alex and I have created a schedule for me to give me some sort of routine. It’s not much, but it at least tells me what I should be trying to do that day. For example, today (I’m writing this on Monday) is a blog day, so I’ll be spending my day – working the same hours that Alex does – working on blog posts and trying to get ahead of the game.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) will be a writing day in which I will be working on my new WIP. I’ve not really spoken about my latest WIP all that much. In last week’s Friday blog, I said that I’m working on it and how much I’d written, but I’ve so far not revealed much else. I feel like I’m going to keep my cards a little closer to my chest than I have with previous novels and maybe only reveal some details when I’m a bit further on with it. However, I will say that it’s a bit different from my previous novels, and I’m really enjoying writing it.

On Wednesdays, I’m going to be working on game stuff. This might range from just playing stuff because I can or to review or even doing streams over on Twitch. I did my first proper stream at the weekend – I’ve finally got a set-up that allows me to use my camera and mic – and I really enjoyed it. I don’t know who watched it, but I had a few viewers, and it did a lot to help me keep my mind off the way that I’ve been feeling. I’m hoping that I can come up with a schedule that will allow me to do it on a more regular basis.

Thursday and Friday will be reserved for more writing. Writing does help me, although sometimes I struggle to get going, but when I do, I get lost in the story and characters. It’s a great way to get out of the depressed side of my head and create something that I can be proud of.

As of writing this, I’ve contacted the doctor and I’ve been given a new medication that’s been added to the ones I’m on already to hopefully help me through this tough time. As with every depressive or manic episode, there’s no telling how long it will last. I just need to try what I can to get through it and to the other side. I want to be positive as I know deep down that I have a lot that I can be thankful for and proud of, but at the moment, it’s hard to push past the part of my brain that’s telling me I’m just not good enough. I know it will get better; I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m just going to carry on with my schedule, adjust it if I need to, and get through this depressive episode the best I can.

I hope your week has been good and that you have a great weekend.

Bipolar Disorder: The Depressive Side

In previous blog posts, I’ve explained what Bipolar is and how the manic side can affect you. In this post, I’ll discuss how a depressive episode can come about and affect you.

When people think about depression they generally think about someone who is a bit sad for a given reason. This is absolutely not the case.

For starters, a depressive episode can come out of nowhere. Yes, an episode can have a root cause – something that has happened in the person’s life that has brought their mood down – but they can also occur for no real reason, which in part makes them difficult to control. This depressive side of the Bipolar coin is a hell of a lot more than just feeling “sad”.

When in a depressive episode, life can feel pointless and it’s a struggle to find anything that’s worth living for – no matter what you have in life. Some days it’s difficult to get out of bed and get dressed. The pain and hurt that you feel goes right to your very core and premieres every bit of your being. You can be surrounded by people that care about you, but you will feel utterly alone in the world and like no one can possibly understand what you’re feeling. In a word, it’s hell.

As with manic episodes, depressive episodes can come out of nowhere. You can be feeling perfectly fine, and suddenly you feel like crap and can’t see a way back. This can be particularly tough if you’re coming off the back of a manic episode where everything feels great, and you can do anything in the world. Sometimes you can experience an event that will cause one of these bad episodes, but at times, you can’t figure out where it’s come from. If you do CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)  this can help you figure out what’s caused the episode but sometimes even that doesn’t help.

CBT can also sometimes help you get through these tough times, but there are times when this just doesn’t work and trying to think about what has made you feel this way just makes you worse.

These types of episodes can also last for varying lengths of time. It could be a few hours to months, and there is no telling how long it will last until it’s over. It’s not something you can rush through either; you’ll come out of the other side eventually. You need to stick it out the best you can.

When I’m feeling bad, I have to find ways to distract myself. I write, I play games or watch movies. Anything that will keep my mind off the way that I’m feeling. Everyone has different coping strategies for dealing with a depressive episode. What works for me might not work for you. It’s all about finding out what does and getting through it the best that you can.

I recently had a moderate depressive episode after we moved house. The change in location and the disruption of my routine knocked me for six, and I struggled daily with how I was feeling. I spent my time playing games and focusing on anything that wasn’t my brain imploding. This time it wasn’t as bad as previous episodes that I’ve had, and I’m pretty much out of it now, but the threat of going back down is always there.

At times Bipolar disorder is exhausting. Trying to preempt future events and what might send you one way or another is so tiring, and that alone is enough to drag you into a downward spiral, and it’s a fight to stop that from happening.

Bipolar disorder can leave you feeling alone. It can make you feel isolated and that no one understands how you’re feeling or that you’re wrong for feeling the way you do. I’m here to say that’s bullshit. You’re not alone, and some people understand. I completely feel that way, though, and that it’s hard to ask people for help, but if you read this and feel alone, know that you’re not.

I’ll leave it here for now. Have a good weekend all.

Getting Prepared

The past few weeks have been manic – I don’t mean inside my brain either. There hasn’t really been a time when someone hasn’t been coming and going from our house and it’s taken its toll on my mood. Although I’m not hitting a full on depressive episode, I’ve not been feeling right.

After discussing it with Alex, we decided it was probably a good idea to get in contact with my doctor and see what they say. Unfortunately, they’ve not been in for the last two weeks so I’m currently stuck managing it myself. I’m not doing too bad of a job and have felt a bit better now things are getting a little less chaotic, but I still don’t think I’m at the level I was before we moved.

As the days pass, we get more and more things sorted out for the new house. We’re still in a little bit of a limbo as far as the flooring for the bathroom and en-suite, but it’s nothing that we can’t live with.

With this in mind, I’ve been wanting to get back to writing one of the many WIP novels that I have but so far I’ve not been able to. When I first started to struggle, I took not being able to write in this way to heart. It was really doing my head in not being able to focus enough to continue with what I wanted to. But now, I’ve taken my focus away from novels and more on my blogs.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I’m heading to university in September. Once I start I’m sure I’ll have less time for blogging, but I don’t want there to be any huge gaps where I’m not posting so I’m taking this opportunity to get some written and scheduled so I don’t have to worry about them. No doubt there will be some that I write at the time as I progress with my uni work or anything else that I’m doing, but as far as gaming posts and probably even some writing posts, I want to have them banked.

For the writing posts I’ve been writing up my paranormal experiences in my flat in Eccles. The first of these was posted on Monday and part II will be coming next week. I don’t know how many of these I will write, but at the minute I can see there being at least 5 or 6, but we’ll see.

Depressive episodes suck. But, it’s all about making it through to the other side. As I said, I’m trying not to be too hard on myself when I’m not able to do certain things, but at times that’s difficult. My time away from social media has helped me some as I’ve not been getting annoyed at idiots on there, so that’s something.

Another week is over, so I’ll wish you a good weekend.

Learning More About My Craft

This morning I had some great news about something that I have eluded to in previous blog posts.

From September, I will be becoming a student as I start my creative writing course at university. I didn’t want to say anything until it was all confirmed because I worried that something would go wrong and I wouldn’t end up going, but this morning I had final confirmation that I’m sorted, and I’m actually going.

Going to university was never something that I thought I would do. I kind of checked out at college when my bipolar was truly getting out of hand and thought I had missed my chance. If I did go, I probably would have done something IT-related, and now, given that I’ve fallen out with IT, it would have been a waste.

I’m going to study creative writing with a view to learn more about my craft and improve in any areas that I might be lacking.

Yes, I’ve written three novels so far that have generally been received well, but I’m not so up my own arse that I think I can’t learn and get better at it.

It’s been a long time since I did any kind of study, so I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t just a little bit nervous about going to uni, but I’m also excited to go and genuinely look forward to it.

Writing is something that I’ve only really discovered in the past few years, but I’ve found that I really enjoy it, and for the most part, it helps me get through some of my worst days.

When I quit my job in IT last year, I worried because it was all I’ve ever known. I knew that I didn’t want to go back into it, but it’s all I’ve worked in for over a decade, and I didn’t know what else I would do. I didn’t have the confidence to try to get a job that related to writing. I’m hoping this course will give me more confidence in my skills and allow me to build on what I can already do.

Whilst on the course, I will still be writing my novels where I can and posting blogs, but obviously, I will be a lot busier than I am at the moment. This does worry me a bit as I’ve gotten used to my current schedule and the way that I work, so making significant changes will probably knock me a little bit, to begin with. But I’m feeling optimistic about it all, and I know that it will be something amazing that could lead to bigger and better things.

Recently I’ve not been feeling great. The stress of our house move and everything that goes along with it has knocked me for six. But, this news this morning has done a lot to help me feel better and remind me that there are good things, and they do sometimes happen to me.

Regarding what I’m up to at the moment, I’m struggling to continue work on any of my current in-progress novels. Still, I am able to write blogs, so I’m trying to get a stock of them ready to go, so I’m not doing them at the last minute or worrying about doing them when I’m not feeling great. This news has left me feeling a bit more motivated so I’m hoping I’ll be able to get back to my novels soon.

I’m still staying away from social media platforms for a bit as they were just starting to annoy me, but I’m sure I’ll be back at some point.

For now, though, that’s it from me. Have a good weekend all.

Blindsighted is available on Amazon now.

A Bit of a Dip: Taking a Break

This blog is a little late today as it took me a while to write it for reasons I’ll explain below.

It’s been a stressful few weeks. We’ve moved into our new house, and since then, it’s been pretty much non-stop with people coming in and out doing jobs.

I wish I could say that I’ve been okay through this, but the stress has hit a limit over the past few days and has sent me down into a depressive episode.

So far, I’m doing okay (compared to other episodes). I haven’t forgotten where I am or thought that everything was a dream – so that’s good. But I’m still not feeling right. I only went back to writing last week, and I just couldn’t get into it. I’ve managed to write a couple of blog posts for the bank, but I’ve not been particularly productive other than that. I managed to do a read-through of what I have written so far for The Next Stage 2, but when it came to writing something new to continue the story, I just hit a wall. I don’t want just to type anything because I don’t want to ruin what I have, so for now, I’m just going to leave it.

I can’t pinpoint precisely when this depressive episode has come on, it’s just been bubbling under the surface for a few weeks, and I’m now realising it for what it is rather than just trying to push through. Tears have been shed, and now I’m just exhausted.

I think a break from things is required, so I don’t think I’ll be around all that much on social media until I feel a bit better. I’ll still try to do some blogs because writing does help me when I’m able to do it. I’ll try to work on my stories where I can, but I’m not going to force myself to do it if I can’t.

Alex and I agreed that I need to talk to my doctor about it, but as usual, she’s not in this week, so for now, we just have to try to manage this as best we can.

I’ve had some good news about something in the past week, but even that’s not been enough to pull me out of this episode. I know that I have some great things in my life, and I’m surrounded by people that genuinely care about me. But when I feel like this, it’s hard to see that. I feel myself just wanting to be alone or hide from the world.

I hope this episode won’t devolve into the one I had a couple of years ago when my mind pretty much melted, and I couldn’t function at all. I just need to manage it the best I can and do what I can to help me through.

That’s it for now. See you soon and have a good week.