My Current WIP: A Teaser

If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll have seen earlier this week that I revealed a little teaser for my latest WIP. It wasn’t much, but I wanted to show you at least something about what I’m working on.

And Then I Killed Her has been progressing quite well, until this week when I’ve not really been able to do a great deal on it for one reason or another. I’m hoping that this will change next week.

This story is something that came from a #vss365 writing prompt, and straight away, I knew that I had to write a full story. I don’t know if it’ll be a full-length novel or a short story yet; I need to see where it goes first before deciding. Either way, it will likely be the next thing that I publish, and I can’t wait for you to read it.

It’s a paranormal-horror-thriller (if that’s a thing), and in it, we follow Peter Finch, a serial killer whose latest victim just won’t stay dead.

I don’t want to reveal too much of it for now (mainly because I haven’t written it yet), but I’ve wanted to reveal something since I started writing it.

Below is the teaser video, and I hope to reveal more as I go – both on social media and on this website.

I hope I have piqued your interest enough for the moment, though.

Have a good weekend!

Ghostly Occurrences in Apartment 42: Part IX

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII


Part IX

The next few days were relatively quiet, but things escalated and started to happen more frequently. As I’d been seeing more shadows and shapes near the front door at any time of day, I decided to set up my camera in the main bedroom and point it at the door while I busied myself elsewhere and had a shower.

There wasn’t much to be seen or heard on this video for some time, but around 3 minutes 50 seconds into it, there is a whooshing noise that sounds to me either like “Gareth” or “get out”. The other odd thing about this video is that at the exact time the noise occurs, the hall light (the light in the communal hallway outside my front door, goes on. This light was movement activated, and there was no noise from outside of people moving around that could have caused it to come on. I find it very odd that it comes on at the exact moment that “something” speaks.

For the remainder of that night, nothing much happened, and when I watched the video back, I didn’t feel particularly scared of what was being said; I just found it weird and very interesting.

For the next few days, things were relatively quiet. Although I’d see shadows in the usual places, there wasn’t much in the way of interaction, i.e. doors moving, knocking or anything of the like. But on the 25th of July, I caught something very odd.

It was the evening, and I was sitting in the lounge watching some TV when a loud and constant banging came from nowhere. I sat for a few moments trying to work out where it was coming from. I’d grown accustomed to the noises that came from the other flats that surrounded me, and this one seemed as though it was coming from inside my flat. After a while of sitting and listening, I decided it would be a good idea to start recording.

Still sitting in the lounge, I started my camera up and tried to explain what had been happening. I wasn’t in a great mood on this particular night, so I decided to tell whatever this was to leave me alone and stop doing what it was doing. Almost as soon as I’d finished talking, a rattle came from behind me (around 1 minute 47 seconds into the video) that sounded like pots or cutlery rattling. This unexpected noise understandably startled me, and I turned to face the camera into the kitchen. There was nothing that could have made the noise, but the other tapping noise had stopped.

After this, I end the recording, and the rest of the night is quiet, and I don’t experience anything else out of the ordinary.

Both the videos of these experiences are below. So have a watch and let me know what you think. Especially if your think you hear or see anything that I haven’t mentioned.

Recorded 19/07/12

Recorded 25/07/12

Ghostly Occurrences in Apartment 42: Part VIII

Click the links below to read the other parts of the story:

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII


Part IX

Early on the morning on the 17th of July, I was still reeling from the previous night’s events and what I had found on the video that I had recorded throughout; the day had been relatively quiet, but that wasn’t to last.

That night I was sat watching a DVD in my bedroom when I started to hear banging and shuffling on the other side of the door in the hallway, so I decided to start recording again.

There was a strange feeling in the air that was hard to describe. I’d had these types of things happening before, but it didn’t feel off, but this time it did. Earlier in the night (the previous video), things had felt odd and heavy, but that was usually the case when it felt like something was messing with me.

Eventually, I got fed up with hearing noises – and felt a bit braver – I opened the door and looked into the hallway. As I opened the door, I saw a shadow stood behind the front door. Unfortunately, this wasn’t caught in the video. But by now, I was starting to get freaked out. Every time I moved my camera, the noise would be in another room. It was as if it was moving around but not wanting to be seen.

Later on, when I went through the video, the camera is breaking up in its usual way as all this is going on.

As I’m stood in the hallway – mainly in the bedroom doorway – looking around, I turn, and the spare room door has closed. In the video, I try to prove – as much to myself as anyone else – that I couldn’t have done it. I can’t reach the door from where I’m standing, and I’ve not moved anywhere near it to have knocked it. This only happens when I turn the light on my phone off, and everything gets much darker. When I open the door again, I feel a cold breeze, almost as if something passes right through me. I can also feel a cold spot that seems to have shape and distinct edges right in the doorway to the spare room.

Whenever I look at the front door – where I had seen the shape a few minutes before – everything looks darker.

All this time, I’m getting more and more freaked out.

I decided to have a wander around the flat to see if I could feel or sense anything elsewhere. As I move, I feel like I’m being followed, and I can hear soft footsteps on the carpet. Whenever I go back to the spare room doorway, I can feel the cold spot. I try my best to explain where the cold could be coming from. I climb up on my windowsill to check the vent above the window and can’t feel anything. When I go back to check the spot in the doorway, it’s gone.

I stand back in my bedroom doorway as I talked about what was going on when I feel something poke me in the shoulder. It felt as if someone had jabbed a couple of fingers sharply into my shoulder. I turn around instantly and see nothing there.

As I’m getting more and more freaked out, I decided to go back and climb into bed again. When I do, everything seems to go quiet again.

On this night, a lot of things that had never happened had happened. So it all felt very intense.

With the door to the bedroom now shut, I feel again as I’m being watched, and as I pan the camera around, I see a shadow stood in the corner of the room.

I feel like whatever this is isn’t going to let me sleep. So I decide to upload this video, like the other one, straight to YouTube. But, for some reason, when I do, I have to split it in two.

I decide to watch some more TV as I don’t feel like trying to sleep just yet.

Check out the videos on the links below:

Recorded 17/7/12 AM (Part 1)

Recorded 17/7/12 AM (Part 2)

Ghostly Occurrences in Apartment 42: Part VII

Click the links below to read the other parts of the story:

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII


Part IX

Over the course of the next few days, I continued to record as and when things happened, but I was unable to find anything of note on the videos when I went through them. It was around a week before something happened that I had proof of. On the 18th of July, I got caught something stranger than I had before.

I’d been sat watching TV in the evening when I started to hear a consistent banging. This was going on for several minutes when I decided to grab my camera and begin to film. The banging, or thudding, didn’t seem to be coming from anywhere in particular. I sat for a while on the sofa while talking about what I’d been experiencing and listened to the noise.

Rewind a little bit to earlier that day. I’d experienced a few things throughout the day. I’d seen a shadow stood by the front door when I’d come out of the bathroom at one point. While I’d been watching TV, there had also been a shadow in the corner of the room, like someone was silently watching me.

While I filmed, the noise continued, and I decided to get up and walk around the flat to see if I could figure out where it was coming from. As I moved around, the noise seemed to come from all over the place. No matter where I went, the noise didn’t change in level or how it was occurring. I spent some time standing in the hallway and couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.

After another few minutes, I walked into the spare room, and the banging stopped as if something just wanted me to go in there.

At one point while I’m filming, I walked out of the spare room, across the hallway and to the lounge. Something made me turn around – I heard a shuffling noise – and I see the spare room door swinging open. Something had caused the door to swing closed behind me. It hadn’t caught, so it was swinging slowly open again.

Everything in the flat seems to go quiet as it had done before, and a heavy feeling seem to fall on me. Then, after a few seconds of investigating the door, I heard a bang coming from the main bedroom – my bedroom. I turned to see what it was, but I couldn’t work it out.

I start to feel like something is messing me. Like whatever this is is leading me around the flat and getting me to go where it wants to. I found out later on that when I mention this, there is distortion on the video, the same that there had been previously when things had been happening.

By this point, I’m walking around the flat in the dark, and the strange feeling is only increasing in intensity.

Around eight minutes into recording, I hear a noise in the kitchen – it sounds like my pot of cutlery is moved and rattles. Something makes me turn back to the spare room, and the camera starts to go in and out of focus on the corner where I have sensed things previously.

I continued to record in the dark while things continued to lead me around the flat, and I struggle to figure out what’s happening.

Once again, the banging starts up again in a similar pattern to before, and it still feels like it’s coming from all around.

With everything that’s happening, I decided to stop filming and see if things calmed down. Instead of going through this video at the time, I uploaded it straight to YouTube.

Things in the flat seemed to be escalating, and I didn’t really know what to do with that other than to keep trying to gather evidence and work out what was going on.

Later on when I did finally watch the video though. As I go through it, I’m amazed at everything that I see and hear happening, even though I’d just experienced it in real-time. I was so happy that I’d caught as much as I had, but I hadn’t finished yet.

Around eleven and a half minutes into the video, I hear a sound. I increased the volume as much as I could and put on my headphones so that I could get a clearer listen to what it was. After repeated listens, I decide that I can hear the word “us”. This sent a chill through me. Did it mean that there was more than one of whatever was in the flat? Or was it just another way to mess with me?

After the word, I can hear a wooshing noise and some sort of click or snap, which I can’t really work out.

About a minute after the spoken word, the banging starts again, and the video ends. I sat back, amazed at all that I had caught in such a short space of time.

The banging continued for probably another half an hour or so before stopping and ending for the night.

Later that night, early in the next morning, I would record again.

To be continued next week.

You can find the video talk about in this post here. Let me know your thoughts.

Stuck in a Depressive Episode

At the minute, I’m not feeling great. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been descending into a depressive episode, and I’m struggling to keep my head above water so that I can get out of it. This isn’t to say that I’m not happy in my life. I’ve got an amazing partner who does everything she can to make me happy, we’ve just moved to a beautiful house that we’re still in the process of making our own, and I have a lot of things going for me. But I can’t seem to bring myself out of the funk that my brain is putting me in for whatever reason.

I feel like I can’t do anything and that I’m just no good for anyone or anything. I’m not as bad as I have been in the past, and as much as I don’t see any point in me being around right now, I’m not feeling suicidal or anything, but unfortunately, I feel like it probably wouldn’t take a lot to make me feel that way.

I’m struggling daily just to get through and generally feel like I just want to spend my days in bed doing very little. But, I’m not doing. I’m getting up every day and doing whatever I can, no matter how little that is.

To help me through this time, Alex and I have created a schedule for me to give me some sort of routine. It’s not much, but it at least tells me what I should be trying to do that day. For example, today (I’m writing this on Monday) is a blog day, so I’ll be spending my day – working the same hours that Alex does – working on blog posts and trying to get ahead of the game.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) will be a writing day in which I will be working on my new WIP. I’ve not really spoken about my latest WIP all that much. In last week’s Friday blog, I said that I’m working on it and how much I’d written, but I’ve so far not revealed much else. I feel like I’m going to keep my cards a little closer to my chest than I have with previous novels and maybe only reveal some details when I’m a bit further on with it. However, I will say that it’s a bit different from my previous novels, and I’m really enjoying writing it.

On Wednesdays, I’m going to be working on game stuff. This might range from just playing stuff because I can or to review or even doing streams over on Twitch. I did my first proper stream at the weekend – I’ve finally got a set-up that allows me to use my camera and mic – and I really enjoyed it. I don’t know who watched it, but I had a few viewers, and it did a lot to help me keep my mind off the way that I’ve been feeling. I’m hoping that I can come up with a schedule that will allow me to do it on a more regular basis.

Thursday and Friday will be reserved for more writing. Writing does help me, although sometimes I struggle to get going, but when I do, I get lost in the story and characters. It’s a great way to get out of the depressed side of my head and create something that I can be proud of.

As of writing this, I’ve contacted the doctor and I’ve been given a new medication that’s been added to the ones I’m on already to hopefully help me through this tough time. As with every depressive or manic episode, there’s no telling how long it will last. I just need to try what I can to get through it and to the other side. I want to be positive as I know deep down that I have a lot that I can be thankful for and proud of, but at the moment, it’s hard to push past the part of my brain that’s telling me I’m just not good enough. I know it will get better; I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m just going to carry on with my schedule, adjust it if I need to, and get through this depressive episode the best I can.

I hope your week has been good and that you have a great weekend.

Ghostly Occurrences in Apartment 42: Part VI

Click the links below to read the other parts of the story:

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII


Part IX

Over the space of a few months, I’d experienced a myriad of different paranormal things – from doors opening and closing to shadows in corners and odd feelings. Up until this point, I’d only been recording things while I was in the flat. It was time, though now, for a different tact’ recording while I was out to see if anything more extreme would happen.

On the 8th July 2012, I was going out in the evening, so I decided to set my camera up in the spare room to see what I could capture.

Before I set up the camera and went out, I talked on video about things that people had asked, mainly if there was some kind of breeze from a window that could have caused the closure of the doors seen in the other video. I tried my best to test everything I could, and I explained in the video that there wasn’t a chance that there was any kind of breeze coming through a window or vent above that would move the door in the way that had been seen.

At first, I was a little hesitant about setting the camera up and leaving it running while I was out. I didn’t want to provoke anything that might be in the apartment, but at the same time, I wanted to get more evidence that something was actually happening.

I set the camera down on the arm of the sofa that I had in the spare room at the time and pointed it at the door so that it would cover my bedroom door and a section of the hallway. I wished I’d had multiple cameras at this point so that I could capture more of the apartment at the same time; I just did the best with what I had.

As was usual practice by this point, I left all the doors – except the bathroom one – open. It had become a regular occurrence that the doors would be either open or closed when I returned, depending on how I’d left them. I locked up and left the flat with the camera running.

All the time that I was out, I couldn’t help but wonder what was happening. Would I catch anything on camera? Would something new happen?

When I returned later that night, the doors were all shut, so straight away, I knew that I’d caught something. I couldn’t wait to check the video. I went straight to the video camera – at this point, it was still recording as I’d only been out a few hours. I could have waited until the morning to review the tape, but I was eager to find out what had happened.

I pulled the memory card out of the camera, loaded it into my desktop and started to copy the files over, ready to review. While this was doing, I went to make a drink – I had a feeling it was going to be a long night. As I walked through the rest of the apartment, I marvelled at how everything felt “normal”. As I’ve said before, usually, when things had happened, the place felt different in some way. Maybe that feeling had been there but had disappeared by the time I got home.

Back at my desk, I started to review the video. While I watched, I had my headphones on with the volume whacked way up in case there were any sounds to be heard.

Nothing much happened for a while. After around twenty minutes of video, the door to the spare room started to move. It didn’t fully close; it was only a few inches and, after a few seconds, it moved backwards again. After this movement, the camera image broke up slightly. This was something that seemed to happen only when something strange was happening. The spare room door moved again, and there was a “breathy” noise. I didn’t have a chance to really register this noise at the time because seconds later, the door to my bedroom slammed shut, the noise making me nearly jump out of my seat.

I paused the video and sat for a few minutes, just taking in what I’d just seen. My bedroom door had just been caught slamming on video. This was big. I leaned back in my chair and looked at the door that was now open again after I had reopened it when I came back home. I slipped my headphones off and listened to the building; everything was quiet. It was around 10 pm, so I wasn’t expecting much noise, but it just seemed eerily quiet. I put my headphones back on and went back to the video.

I moved the video back and listened out for the “breathy” sound once again, and when I found it, I listened to it repeatedly, trying to figure out what it was. All I could come up with was that it was a single word – “No”.

I went back to the door slamming – turning the volume down so as to not deafen myself – I played it again. I found that right after the door slammed, and there was yet more distortion on the video for a few seconds. After another 15 seconds or so, the spare room once again moves. This time seemingly with more force as it almost closed, but it swings back on its hinges almost immediately.  After another few seconds of the door being open, it swings shut again, but this time catches and remains seated in the doorframe.

After this, I continued to watch and turned my volume back up. I was surprised to hear what sounded like footsteps shuffling on the carpet and some more breathing sounds. It was subtle even with the volume turned right up, but they were definitely there.

I felt like everything that had happened in this video was more proof of what was going on than I could have hoped for. I spent the next few days going through the video again and seeing if there was anything in there that I had missed before I edited it together (cut it down to a better size) before uploading it to the YouTube channel.

Below is the link for this video. Give it a watch yourself and tell me what you think. Can you hear or see anything that I might have missed? What do you think of what I caught that day?

Caught on Video (8/6/12)

The story will continue next Monday.

Friday Writing Update

So last Friday, I completely forgot to do a blog post. For most of the day, I was under the assumption that it was Thursday, so it didn’t cross my mind until later on in the day that I was meant to do a post. Anyway, today I’m just going to give a brief update on what I’ve been up to.

For the past week, I’ve been working on a new story. This one came about off the back of a VSS365 writing prompt post. I don’t want to give too much away, but the post can be seen below, and it might give a clue as to what type of story it is.

I’ve been trying to do the VSS prompt tweets daily again. I started to do them a while ago and then kind of fell out with them as I struggled to come up with anything to write. Recently, however, I’ve not had that issue, and I’ve been able to write a few sentences reasonably easy. I think doing these is partially why I’ve been able to get back into writing again. They’re helping me get my brain in the right place for being creative, plus I enjoy doing them. Most of my posts seem to follow a theme of horror or paranormal, which is fine, but I’ve also been able to relate some of them back to either released novels or ones I have in the pipeline, which also serves to give me more ideas of where I can go with them.

So far, my latest WIP is around 9000 words and counting, so it’s coming along pretty well. As usual, I’ve not done any real planning; I’m just typing and seeing where I end up. I’ve done some bits and pieces of research – i.e. Googling – to help me along my way, but most of it just flows from my brain.

As much as I want to work on some of my other WIPs, like The Next Stage 2, I just don’t know where I’m going with them. I don’t want to write for the sake of it and not do the story justice, so at this point, working on something new is the best thing for me to do.

Anywho, I’m going to get back to it now and see where the story takes me.

Have a good weekend.

Standing the Test of Time: The Super Nintendo

The Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES) is a 16-bit cartridge-based home video game console developed by Nintendo that was released in 1990 in Japan (known as the Super Famicom)and South Korea (known as the Super Comboy), 1991 in North America, 1992 in Europe and Oceania, and 1993 in South America. It was the second Nintendo home console – following the NES – and brought more advanced graphics and sound than was available with other consoles on the market at the time.

The SNES was the seconds Nintendo console that we, as a family-owned, unlike the NES – which I mentioned in a previous blog both my brother and I got – we had to share the SNES.

From the first game that I played (Super Mario World), I loved this console. The graphics were so much better than I had ever seen, the bright colours drew me in, and I got lost in this new Mario game. I loved how different it was to the Super Mario Bros. that I had played on the NES. Yes, it was very similar gameplay wise, but the look and feel of it were so much better. It felt a lot cleaner without the pixelated sprites – although I do love a good pixel sprite – and the world’s felt so much deeper with prettier backgrounds and clearer sound.

I don’t know how long it was before we got any more games for the console, but there some that always stand out for me, namely; Street Fighter II, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (one of my all-time favourite games), Super Mario Kart, Starwing (or Star Fox), Super Bomberman, F-Zero. Of course, I could go on and list a tonne more games that I loved on this console.

Some games I played on my own, others I played with my brother. I wasn’t very good at most two-player games – I got beaten regularly – but that didn’t stop me from playing them. I would spend hours fighting through Hyrule or trying in vain to perfect Blanka’s moveset. I loved pretty much every game I played on the SNES. I can’t think of any other console that I can say that for.

As I loved playing Duck Hunt on the NES, when the Super Scope was released, I couldn’t wait to play it. I was obviously a lot shorter back then so I had to adjust the sensor after anyone else used it. The games although simple, were addictive and I would spend my time trying to get the high scores – although I never could.

At the time we had the SNES we still had our NES, plus handhelds like the Gameboy or the Gamegear, but this console trumped all, and at every opportunity I would be playing on it.

Over the years, the SNES has been a console that I will go back to time and time again and now stands pride of place on my retro console shelves alongside its newer released mini counterpart.

Some games on some consoles don’t stand the test of time, but for me, the SNES and its games don’t look any worse today than they did when they were released. Of course, there are some games, Starwing for example, that because they were using new technology at the time, when compared to games now, they look very basic and they have aged slightly worse. But games like Mario and Zelda look as great today as they ever have.

When you look at when the SNES was released and how long its lifespan stretches, it’s amazing that back in and around 1996, it was up against more advanced consoles like the Sony PlayStation and Sega Saturn. Games like Donkey Kong Country allowed the console to hold its own against 32-bit consoles.

Although the production of the consoles in North America was ceased in 1999, in Japan, it was still produced up until 2003; this was almost up until the release of the PlayStation 2. This just shows how popular and well-loved this particular Nintendo console was and is.

The SNES still has a broad fan base – of which I’m a member – and I can’t see that changing any time soon.

My current collection of SNES games is relatively small – although it does include some of my later favourites; Zombies Ate My Neighbours, Pilotwings, Blues Brothers, Super Smash TV and Cannon Fodder – I do plan on growing it when I can.

Long live the SNES!

What are your memories of the great Super Nintendo? Share your favourite games with me.

Ghostly Occurrences in Apartment 42: Part V

Click the links below to read the other parts of the story:

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII


Part IX

After Mark had left in the morning – he couldn’t leave fast enough – I grabbed my video camera and set it up on my desk in the spare room where he had stayed the night. Then, after my amateur ghost hunting TV show introduction of asking whatever was in the apartment to make itself known, I set the camera down and left it running while I busied myself elsewhere.

After a few minutes of filming, I went for a shower. When I emerged from the bathroom, the door to the spare room was closed, and the camera caught it all. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that. As soon as I saw the door was closed, I grabbed the camera and copied the video file over to my laptop to watch it.

I was amazed to see that around 11 minutes into the video, the door appears to close by itself. It wasn’t just a slow close either it was as if someone had tried to slam it. The door also didn’t swing back on its hinges; it appeared to catch and stayed that way until I opened it when I came out of the bathroom. I would later notice that the camera breaks up just after the door closes, distorting the bottom of the screen. This will be something I’ll discuss soon as the more videos I film, the more a pattern to this emerges.

With this activity, I wanted to continue filming. So I set the camera back up in the spare room for the rest of the day, but nothing of note occurred for the remaining time I filmed.

Unlike other times when something strange had happened, there was no odd feeling when I got out of the shower and saw the door closed, and for the remainder of the day, everything just felt “normal”.

The next day I had several experiences. Later in the evening, I was sat in the lounge watching a movie. As I sat there, I felt a chill come over the room. It wasn’t a drop in temperature, more a feeling. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a dark shape in the far corner of the room. The form didn’t move, and it wasn’t discernible as a person, but I could feel someone/something watching me. The hairs on the back of my next stood on end. Slowly, so as not to make any sudden moves, I picked up my phone and started to film in the corner. There wasn’t much light in the room, and the camera wasn’t the best, so all I ended up with was a dark video with me saying I could see something stood in the corner. This wasn’t really admissible as evidence, so I deleted the video and went back to my movie. The shape remained in the corner for maybe 10-15 minutes before it just disappeared, and the room went back to feeling right again.

The remainder of the night passed without anything further happening, and I actually got a good nights sleep.

The next day, however, was full of strange occurrences. I spent the day playing something in the lounge – I know, big shock for me – but was constantly being interrupted by either knocking sounds or weird feelings. When I would go to check out the sound, it would seem to come from somewhere else. I looked into whether the noise could be coming from outside or another flat, but when I went out of the front door – of my flat, not the building – and the noise would stop, it would resume when I stepped back inside. I tried to discount noises coming from pipes, but as it moved around when I did, I couldn’t see it being that. I was running out of reasonable explanations for what I was experiencing. I tried to film on this day, but I couldn’t get my camera to work, and the phone video didn’t really pick anything up.

I spent some time later that day trying to get my video camera working, and I decided that I would record some more tomorrow, but I would do it whilst I was out of the building.

In the meantime, though, I thought it would be good to upload the videos I had with unexplainable things on them to YouTube. I created a channel, “Gax’s Ghost”, and uploaded the videos I had. I wanted to get them out there for others to watch and give their opinion on. Even though I was doing all I could to explain what was happening with normal reasons, I wanted others to weigh in on it and tell me what they thought.

The next day, I woke up, set up the video camera in the spare room once again, and went out. When I got back, I would get the fright of my life.

The video discussed in this blog can be found here.

The story will continue next week

Bipolar Disorder: The Depressive Side

In previous blog posts, I’ve explained what Bipolar is and how the manic side can affect you. In this post, I’ll discuss how a depressive episode can come about and affect you.

When people think about depression they generally think about someone who is a bit sad for a given reason. This is absolutely not the case.

For starters, a depressive episode can come out of nowhere. Yes, an episode can have a root cause – something that has happened in the person’s life that has brought their mood down – but they can also occur for no real reason, which in part makes them difficult to control. This depressive side of the Bipolar coin is a hell of a lot more than just feeling “sad”.

When in a depressive episode, life can feel pointless and it’s a struggle to find anything that’s worth living for – no matter what you have in life. Some days it’s difficult to get out of bed and get dressed. The pain and hurt that you feel goes right to your very core and premieres every bit of your being. You can be surrounded by people that care about you, but you will feel utterly alone in the world and like no one can possibly understand what you’re feeling. In a word, it’s hell.

As with manic episodes, depressive episodes can come out of nowhere. You can be feeling perfectly fine, and suddenly you feel like crap and can’t see a way back. This can be particularly tough if you’re coming off the back of a manic episode where everything feels great, and you can do anything in the world. Sometimes you can experience an event that will cause one of these bad episodes, but at times, you can’t figure out where it’s come from. If you do CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)  this can help you figure out what’s caused the episode but sometimes even that doesn’t help.

CBT can also sometimes help you get through these tough times, but there are times when this just doesn’t work and trying to think about what has made you feel this way just makes you worse.

These types of episodes can also last for varying lengths of time. It could be a few hours to months, and there is no telling how long it will last until it’s over. It’s not something you can rush through either; you’ll come out of the other side eventually. You need to stick it out the best you can.

When I’m feeling bad, I have to find ways to distract myself. I write, I play games or watch movies. Anything that will keep my mind off the way that I’m feeling. Everyone has different coping strategies for dealing with a depressive episode. What works for me might not work for you. It’s all about finding out what does and getting through it the best that you can.

I recently had a moderate depressive episode after we moved house. The change in location and the disruption of my routine knocked me for six, and I struggled daily with how I was feeling. I spent my time playing games and focusing on anything that wasn’t my brain imploding. This time it wasn’t as bad as previous episodes that I’ve had, and I’m pretty much out of it now, but the threat of going back down is always there.

At times Bipolar disorder is exhausting. Trying to preempt future events and what might send you one way or another is so tiring, and that alone is enough to drag you into a downward spiral, and it’s a fight to stop that from happening.

Bipolar disorder can leave you feeling alone. It can make you feel isolated and that no one understands how you’re feeling or that you’re wrong for feeling the way you do. I’m here to say that’s bullshit. You’re not alone, and some people understand. I completely feel that way, though, and that it’s hard to ask people for help, but if you read this and feel alone, know that you’re not.

I’ll leave it here for now. Have a good weekend all.